Feedback on the First Draft of the Screenplay

 Feedback on the First Draft of my Screenplay

Feedback on the First Draft received from Jane Marlow: 

"This is a detailed script that really sets the scene well. I feel like I get a really good sense of Dorothy and her life and the end is really heart-wrenching when you fear that she’s become a danger to herself.  In the next draft, maybe think about playing against the stereotype of a ‘old woman’ and giving the character an arc that feeds into her history as a police woman. Think also about the developing tone of the interior voice as she becomes more and more confused but keeps trying to get herself on track and persuade herself that she’s okay. Stage directions can hold the story up so find some opportunities to trim these back".

When writing the second draft, Jane suggested that I give the main character (Dorothy) more individuality and play against the stereotype of an old woman. By doing this, it will allow my character and story, to become more interesting and add a bit more depth to it. In addition to this, Jane recommended that I think about the inner dialogue of Dorothy herself. In doing so, I should think about how it sounds to the audience and reflect upon how we, as humans, often speak to ourselves (our inner dialogue). As a result of changing aspects of Dorothy's internal dialogue, it would allow for the screenplay to become more realistic. 

Jane next proposed that I cut down the stage directions and "chop the ones that aren't necessary". I learnt that too many stage directions can stall a story. Reflecting back upon my use of stage directions, I knew that I had made them too lengthy in order to fill out my story to make it ten pages. I also knew that I had used detailed stage directions so that it could be more easily implied that the main character (Dorothy) had dementia. Jane explained to me that subtle stage directions can imply things about a character and/or the story just as well as more detailed ones. By writing in more subtle and cut-down stage directions, it can also invoke more curiosity amongst the reader/audience. 

It was also suggested that I should set the main character (Dorothy) up with an objective so that there is a character arc in place. Jane and I discussed the possibility of Dorothy not achieving what she set out to achieve in the first place. I then put forward the idea that she could possibly be preparing for a police reunion that she is due to attend later in the evening. Through this, it will mean that Dorothy has something to work towards, despite her not achieving what she set out to. 

As a result of Jane's feedback, I shall think about and make these changes to the second draft of my screenplay in order for it to be of better quality.